To truly celebrate New Year’s Eve, a loving parent needs to get two things:
- A babysitter.
- Smashed.
However, assuming that the first item on the list is hard to obtain due to the fact that, unlike you, teenagers have social lives, there are still some ways to appropriately commemorate the occasion with your child, in your house.
When I was a kid, my family’s way of observing New Year’s Eve was for each of us to pick out his or own flavors of Baskin Robbins ice cream and eat a pint of it while watching Guy Lombardo.
This may partially explain how I became the fun-loving, overweight party animal I am today.
One obvious way to celebrate with your child is to watch the Times Square ball drop on TV. The problem with that, of course, is that it occurs well past bedtime. Your bedtime. Your kid will be wide awake.
I recommend getting a few old-fashioned noisemakers and some of those confetti poppers. Take all of that to a friend’s house and leave it there. Because really, why do you want to mess up your house? And a noise-maker in a kid’s hands is like a hunting rifle in Dick Cheney’s.
Instead, pour your child a nice glass of grape soda (unless you’re one of those fanatics who think sugary soft drinks are bad for your kid) and give a toast to the new year, which will make your child feel grown up and, possibly, set her on the road toward alcoholism. However, assuming that you put real booze in your glass, you can be on the road to a drunken stupor as soon as your kid goes to sleep.
If you’re lucky, your whole family will be asleep before they roll out Dick Clark.
